The Mod and the Drunk
by tha-artemisrox
Summary: A crossover fic that takes you on a journey through time and space! to a little bookshop where the angry owner has to deal with some very strange and slightly musical clientele.
1. The thing with the start

I never intended to do a crossover fic, but it's happened.

The crossover was chosen at random since it is inspired by my mp3 player, a black one, that I decorated with the Mighty Boosh monkey face.

Hope you enjoy this since it's been a while since I wrote a new fic.

Disclaimer: I am a teenage girl, the chances of me owning any major British comedy series are pretty slim!

* * *

I was a dark night and the moon was full.

Turning to face us grinning, the moon recounts it's meal of egg, meat, many different cheeses, and how a lot of people think the moon is made of cheese but he's not; he's all dusty.

Silly people.

Through the dark woods walks Naboo with his familiar Bollo, navigating their way through the trees towards the clearing where the board of shamans resides.

"Greetings Naboo, do you know why we have called you here?" spoke the head shaman from his place at the center of the table.

Naboo's face retained it's usual blank expression "Is it a secret mission?"

"Yes, one of great importance." The shaman gestured to Bollo "Your familiar must have told you this."

"Nah, I was just guessing."

The head shaman furrowed his brow.

"Oh. Well anyway, we have an important task for you Naboo."

Naboo adjusted his turban "What is it then?"

"We have a mystical item that wields great power. Should it fall into the wrong hands the results could be catastrophic!"

"I still think I should have been the one to take the mission." Grumbled Sabboo,

"Because when it come down to the crunch-"

"Oh would you quit it with the crunch already" moaned Tony Harrison; tentacles flailing in annoyance. "It's never going to happen!"

Saboo glared at the pink cleft "You can shut up!" he placed his hat over Tony Harrison's head obscuring him from everyone's view and leaving only a wiggling hat with a muffled "This is an outrage!" coming from it.

"…Aaaaanyway," The head shaman was internally questioning his choice in acquaintances.

"Your mission, Naboo, is to safely transport the item back to your Nabootique and lock it away under careful guard. Do you accept?"

Naboo shrugged "Yeah, alright."

The head shaman turned to the smallest member of the council

"Kirk; do you have the item locked in your box of unspeakable horrors, filled with things so terrible it makes the hardest of heart wet themselves in fear?"

"Yes."

"Very well then, bring it out."

The young shaman reached under the table and produced a small chest, which he then placed on the table; unlocking the golden clasps and allowing smoke to billow out ominously as he withdrew the item from the box.

The head shaman took it carefully and held it out to Naboo, dramatic background music swelling to a climax.

"So it's just this book then?" Naboo looked it over casually.

"Yes. Now hurry, for the longer it is free the more dangerous it becomes!"

Bowing his farewell to the council, Naboo passed the book to Bollo to carry and headed back towards the magic carpet.

Bollo nodded to the shamans as a goodbye and they nodded back in acknowledgment, even Tony Harrison from under the hat.

Soon Naboo and Bollo were off on their flying carpet, soaring through the sky into the approaching dawn.

* * *

Since Bernard had gone through the ordeal of calling 'the place where you order books from for when you want to sell them from your bookshop' while Manny was so selfishly 'sleeping' (Imagine him doing a thing like that! And on a 23 hour work day no less, the nerve!) he decided that Manny would be the one to go the book order warehouse place and pick up the books they needed in stock.

And so Manny sleepily stumbled into the early morning mostly dressed with the exception of his fluffy slippers and on his way to pick up several heavy boxes of books.

By the time he was down to the last box he was barely conscious and dropping several books from the ratty box, leaning down to pick it up and dropping another in the process.

This may have been the reason that when a book fell from a place rather higher than his book he didn't really realise and just added it to the top of the stack, unknowing of it's ominous origins.

When he reached the door to Black Books he shuffled left to try and reach the handle from around the box, and then to the right, and then to the left again before finally getting a grip and pulling the handle.

Then he remembered the door opened inwards not outwards and pushed.

Once inside Manny dropped the box on the sticky spot of the floor of the shop and walked clumsily to the back and up the stairs, only to discover that the spare room he occupied was locked.

So it was the abused old couch downstairs for Manny to try and regain lost sleep, not a clue as to the fact that a book of evil lay hidden in the bookshop.

* * *

Well there you go! I am open to any suggestions/criticisms so please review!


	2. Books Books Books

Part two!

* * *

Howard Moon liked nothing more in the morning then a nice strong cup of coffee and his favourite jazz record with his breakfast. The early mornings were one thing he had left over from his days as a garbage man.

This was really the only time he had to relax like this since Vince would get up at around nine and begin hours of work on his hair and clothes.

"Oi Howard, would you turn it down! I need my beauty sleep, yeah?"

Well so much for that idea.

Howard sighed, feeling particularly put upon.

"It's not my fault you're up till all hours of the night dancing around to songs about electric… cakes!"

Vince entered the living room area of their flat above Naboo's shop wearing his silk space-cowboy pyjamas, hair sticking up at odd angles while still managing to look styled. "What time is it?"

"It's just going on eight."

Vince glances at the clock in disbelief.

"I've never been up this early, what happens?"

Howard shot a gare at him as Vince switched off the record player and popped in his morning cd into the radio, some dancey music now blaring out from the speakers that Vince walked in time to on his way to the bathroom.

"What do you think happens, anyway, it's about time you got up; Naboo and Bollo will be back soon."

Just as he said this the gorilla and shaman in question came up the stairs.

"Morning, where've you two been? Bet you had a wild night, right?" Vince poked his head out of the bathroom door and winked, hair tied back in a ridiculous fashion so as to make straitening it easier.

"We were on a top secret mission for the shaman council transporting a book of power." Naboo placed the rolled up carpet against the wall before he turned to Bollo "You got the book?"

Bollo patted himself for a moment "Uuuh, no."

"What's wrong with you, I told you to keep a hold of it! How could you loose it?"

"No pockets."

Naboo paced the floor. "What am I gonna do now, the council will turn it's back on me for sure this time!"

Vince walked out of the bathroom fully dressed and preened "Well, we could find this book for you, right Howard? What's it look like?"

* * *

Bernard shambled down the stairs, unlit cigarette but hanging loosely from his lips.

"MANNY! Manny, where's my breakfast! I want eggy-weggs!"

Then he saw Manny lying on the couch and stopped in his tracks to watch him for a while, pulling out his lighter and lighting his cigarette.

After taking a heavy drag from his cigg and letting the smoke trail out of his mouth in a leisurely fashion he leaned over to the nearest bookshelf and withdrew a half finished bottle of wine, took a quick swig, and poured it so it trickled over Manny's face.

Manny awoke spluttering with Bernard yelling "Eggs, **eggs, EGGS!**" at him.

Not the most pleasant way to wake up.

* * *

"I cant believe you made me agree to do this."

"It's just a book, how hard can it be to find?"

Howard stopped suddenly in the middle of his angry strides, making Vince bump into him with a crinkly sound being produced by his futuristic, neon, rain jacket.

"We are looking for a book in a country with over a thousand bloody bookshops, that's millions of books! It's like looking for a needle in a haystack!"

Vince tilted his head to the side.

"Yeah, I never really got that, I mean why would you bother looking for a needle in a haystack? Wouldn't it be easier to just get a new needle from your sewing kit, and who goes about sewing in barns anyway? You'd get Hay in your trousers!"

Howard sighed "But where are we gonna start?"

Vince nodded to the dark looking bookshop next to them "What about in there?"

Howard looked at the place; 'Black Books' it said in cracked paint above the window.

"What, do you think that the first shop we walk into is going to have it?"

Vince shrugged "Yeah why not?"

* * *

"Can I just get this, please."

The young girl placed a popular fantasy book on the table, bouncing up and down on her heels since she was one of those people who just couldn't seem to stay still.

Bernard didn't glance up from the scruffy looking classic he was reading.

"How much is it?"

The girl checked the price sticker unsure "Uh… sixteen-ninetynine?"

Bernard fumbled in the register for a moment and slammed a couple of notes on the table "There, take it, keep the change."

The girl looked at the money confused "Uhh.. but I was-"

"Just take your damn money and get out!"

The girl jumped and quickly took the money before making her get away in slight shock.

As she exited two figures entered the store, one who looked like they were living in the wrong decade and yet was so unremarkable visually they were easy to miss, the other instantly drew attention to himself with his colourful outfit and black hair.

Manny walked over to them tentatively "Hello can I help you two find anything?"

Howard stepped forward with a "I'll handle this, little man." and put on a smile "Yes, well, my associate and I here are looking for a book."

Bernard scoffed "In a bookshop of all places, well aren't you two just a couple of I-don't-know-what!" he flicked some ash from his cigarette and placed it back in his mouth.

Vince had gotten bored and was now looking around the bookshop as Howard frowned at the Irish bookshop owner.

"Look this is a very important book, so I'd appreciate it if you-"

Bernard hauled himself from his chair slamming his book down on the table "Oh it's always important with you people, whine, whine, whine!" He turned to Manny and gestured with his glass.

Manny made a little "oh!" sound and quickly grabbed a bottle of wine and poured it into Bernard's glass.

"Say when."

Bernard just put the glass to his mouth, leaving Manny to hurriedly until the bottle to prevent any further wine stains on the floor.

"And tell your wife not to touch those, I like them like that."

Howard blinked "You mean they're supposed to be all-"

"Yes." Bernard snapped.

Howard Moon found himself at a loss of words and Vince Quickly took over.

"Yeah, uh, I'm a man actually, Vince Noir, popstar. Nice to meet you." He put his hands on his hips and flicked his hair.

"If you could check out your book-list-thing to see if there's any extra books in stock that would be great. Cause we're busy people and I've got a gig I need to get ready for so, you know."

Bernard looked at Vince and away a few times, all the while crossing and uncrossing his arms, before settling on a small mimicking noise and turning away.

Manny smiled apologetically "Lucky for you we just got in a bunch of new literature this morning so this shouldn't take too long, I'll go check the backroom."

And with that he jogged off in a way that made his long hair sway from side to side.

Vince leant over to Howard and spoke under his breath "He should really get his hair done, hey! I bet I could do it for him, style it up a bit, maybe use some of Naboo's miracle wax, what do you reckon?"

"I reckon that we should focus on the job that has been given to us and get on with it as soon as possible, right. Besides; I don't like the way that shopkeeper is looking at us."

Vince nodded to Bernard "Yeah, he does kind of look like he's thinking of cutting us with his motorcycle made of jealousy."

Howard raised a single eyebrow "His what?"

At that point Manny came back and nervously walked up to Bernard.

"Bernard, where's the stockbook?"

"The what?"

"The book that we keep a list of what books we get in."

Bernard raised an eyebrow "A book about books in a- oh what's-what's the point!" He threw up his arms in frustration before resuming his position of feet on the desk with his novel in one hand and cigarette in the other. "I threw it out the window."

Vince wondered momentarily it the book had hit a passing grizzly bear.

Manny sighed and went off to drag in he many boxes of literature for them to sort through manually.

* * *

Howard and Vince had been helping Manny look through the books on the floor and were enjoying a good bit of crimping about a similar book related incident (Books, Books, Books, paper and words, oh so dusty, blow it off, blow it off- ect), Manny bobbing his head along bemused, until Bernard had decided to yell at them to cut it out "This isn't some musical children's program!"

Then the shop bell dinged and in walked Fran with a lunch of wine and chips.

"Lunch time!" She said happily, not noticing the shops other occupants until she stepped on one of the books spread out on the floor and looked at them in slight confusion.

"Oh, uh, hello." She waved to them while placing the 'lunch' on the table where Bernard was making grabby motions. "So who are these two then?"

Manny got up and carefully navigated his way around the spall sea of books.

"They were wondering if we'd accidentally got a copy of a book they were looking for."

Fran made a 'Mmm..' sound and carefully poured two extra glasses of wine. "Well, come on you two and tell us a bit about yourselves while we're eating."

Vince and Howard accepted the glasses and Howard got in first with a "Howard Moon; explorer, man of action!" to witch Fran just raised her eyebrows and sipped her drink, but Manny was surprisingly interested.

It didn't take long for Vince and Fran to get to chatting and soon Vince was laughing a bit as Fran flirted a little.

All through this Bernard had been silently fuming at being ignored by the only two people who he actually talked to, although he would never admit to the jealousy he felt.

Suddenly he stood up and went "Well this has really been a splendid little tea party but it's closing time now."

Halfway through ushering Vince and Howard out Vince said "Oi, watch the hair!"

And then Howard shot him a glare and he said "I mean; can't we at least get that book thing we were looking for?"

Bernard had almost pushed them out the door so he quickly grabbed a random book from the ground "Here take this one!" and chucked it into Howard's arms before giving them that final nudge out the door.

He leaned on the sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Thank Christ that's over!"

* * *

On the other side of the door Howard made a similar sigh. "Well that was a waste of time!"

Vince looked at the book that Howard was still holding "Hey Howard, give us a look at that will ya?" without waiting he took the book from Howard and opened it.

"This is genius Howard, it's the book Naboo was looking for!"

Vince jumped and gave Howard a quick hug, rain jacket swirling out around him.

Howard tried to detached Vince's arms from him as quickly ads possible, embarrassed.

"Well what's in it then? Secret, shamanistic spells I suppose."

Vince skimmed over a few pages "Nah, just a bunch of recipes."

And with that Vince and Howard began their return trip to the Nabootique.

* * *

Anti-climatic I know, but I couldn't really thing of a good ending…. Also I was kinda distracted since someone just egged our house AT ONE AM! I mean, seriously, wtf? I mean I know it's easter but still, what did we ever do to you!?


End file.
